Okay, friends. I fell off the wagon again… that is the diet wagon.
I had been attending a wonderful conference all week hosted by my friend/neighbor/blogger Randy Elrod. It was wonderful, stimulating and exhausting all at the same time. I did great all week. Salmon with no rice, salad with dressing on the side, no desert, I even ordered milk for my coffee instead of cream. But by the end of the week I was toast.
My downfall started with a simple glass of red wine (you know, the healthy kind of wine) on Friday night. Then it was a taste of desert, then real breakfast on Saturday morning (but feeling okay since I had a breakfast burrito without the tortilla). So I’m still holding on to the wagon when I lost my balance and wham… I fell into a basket of chips and hot sauce when we went to eat Mexican food after church.
Now, I would have been okay if I had stopped there. But here’s the problem. I felt like since I had fallen off the wagon, I might as well throw in the towel and indulge (since I was so far gone anyhow). And eureka! I found some green M&M’s my girlfriend had brought me when she came to visit a couple of weeks ago.
But I realized AS I WAS EATING THEM that I felt awful. Not awful physically (well, maybe a little) but awful emotionally. I was out of control and giving in when I knew I shouldn’t.
That’s when the self-loathing hit. I hate myself when I totally go off the deep end on my diet. And I’ve struggle with that so much over the years. I feel like a failure and once again, I have to start over.
But a couple of weeks ago, I heard an interesting sermon where the speaker said that self-loathing is basically the sin of not believing God when He says we are made in His image.
Hmm. I have thought about that and what it means. When I hate myself cause I fail (at whatever) I am saying that I don’t have value just for who I am.
Now I certainly believe other people have value just because of who they are. So how can I be as old as I am and love God for as long as I have and not really understand that concept for myself? I have love for God and for all that He has created… except when it comes to me (if I’m really honest to my core).
So I am working on seeing myself for the intrinsic value of who I am, made in the image of God, and realizing that self-condemnation really means my thinking is wrong.
And that’s something I can change while climbing back up on the wagon — even with green M&M’s in my hand.